Monday, June 27, 2011

Dawn Summers FAQ

I'm all cute and whiny. Exactly what Season 5 needs!

(Because I googled this and nothing came up. For EAS, and really anyone else who was wondering. Some spoilers, obvs. But mostly from the first half of Season 5.) 


Q. So who is Dawn Summers?

A. Dawn is Buffy's little sister, dummy.

Q. ....

A. Oh, you've only watched seasons 1-4? Then Dawn doesn't exist yet.

Q. Okay.

A. Right.

Q. So where the hell does Dawn come from?

A. Now you're asking the right question. Dawn is a mystical ball of energy known as the Key, shaped into the body and brains of a thirteen year old girl. A bunch of mystic monks did this to protect her from Glory or Glorificus or the lamest big bad Buffy has ever seen and that's saying something (re: Adam).

I really miss Pushing Daisies right about now...

Q. A bunch of monks?

A. Yes. Czech monks. They decide to hide the Key in plain sight under the protection of the slayer.

Q. From Glory.

A. Yes, because if Glory had the key, she could open up a gateway to her home dimension.

Q. And this is bad because?

A. Come on, wiseacre, it's been four or five years since I watched Season 5. How am I supposed to remember? It's just bad. Because Joss says so.

Q. So why do Buffy, Joyce and the Scoobies suddenly think Dawn has been around for forever at the beginning of Season 5?

A. Magic!

Q. Really?

A. Yes, really. The monks are bad-ass at magic, and literally rewrite everyone's memories, including everyone on Angel, that other series, so that they all remember Dawn as being around as Buffy's kid sister forever and ever amen.

Don't worry, Joyce. It'll never make perfect sense. Just go with it.

Q. Why?

A. I don't understand the question.

Q. Why don't the monks just go to Buffy and say, hey, here's a thirteen year old girl who could unlock this other dimension that Glory's trying to get into, so do us a solid and keep her safe?

A. Good question.

Q. I know.

A. So....That would make sense, but then we wouldn't have a bunch of episodes to kick off Season 5 where every viewer is all like, what the hell is going on? Who is this whiny little brat? What the frak is happening to my vampire soap?!?!?

Q. So Joss did it to piss people off.

A. Well, that probably wasn't his intention....

Q. But it did piss people off.

A. Yeaaaah. It did. Joss must have thought it'd be a BIG MYSTERY that everyone and their auntie and TWoP would be buzzing about. Instead, people hated Dawn because she whined alot.

Would you like some cheese? For your whine?! Get it!?!?

Q. But she's thirteen.

A. You're absolutely right! She's thirteen, she has no friends, her sister the slayer ignores her, just like everyone else, so yeah, she whines. Alot. Like a teenager.

Q. And no one told Joss this was a bad idea?

A. To be fair, she plays the kid sister part but really well. But combine that with the whole mystery that gets annoying real fast and all the whinyness, and yeah, it was kind of a bad idea, I guess.

Q. But wait, also, if Buffy doesn't know Dawn's the Key, how's she supposed to know to protect her from Glory?

A. She doesn't. The monks really blew it there. Or Joss. Six of one, I suppose.

Q. And Glory is lame?

A. Oh, sweet Jesus, yes she's lame.

Q. But you like Dawn?

A. I do. Season 5 could have been soooo boring, like a terrible, terrible continuation of Season 4 boring. Dawn, for all her whinyness and stupid mysteriousness, kind of made the show fun again for a while. She's kind of like Angel. Except for the opposite of everything that was Angel. So not like Angel at all. But she serves a purpose like Angel.

Q. Which is?

A. Sort of the outsider. Sort of a motivator for Buffy that she lacked during Season 4. Sort of the reason for Buffy to do what she does during the Season 5 finale.


A. Sorry, Sweetie.

If I could write a fan fic for you on LJ, I totes would. Sister besties!

Q. ...So Joss was right to add her?

A. In my opinion, absolutely yes. Although the gigantic plot holes with the stupid monks and the memory magic and the dumb, dumb Glory, who really didn't need the Key anyways because people on Buffy are ALWAYS opening portals to other dimensions all willy-nilly and why would they need THIS SPECIFIC KEY and what have you make it hard to realize it at the time. But yes. I like Dawnie.

Q. .....

A. Right.

Q. So does it work?

A. It works if you let it work. If you just accept it. Magic. All that jazz.

Q. Okay, I'm not totally convinced.

A. Trachtenberg turns out really hot, too.

This is my really hot look. BOOSH!
Q. Sold.

A. Magic!


  1. LOVE. i can't wait to find out.
    also, look at those boobs. and the space between.